Cher, Prince, Madonna, Oprah, Elvis, Angelina – for some people, a last name is just superfluous. I have another person to add to the list of one-namers: Vertamae.
And I have good news: Vertamae has come back home to the Lowcountry.
I first heard Vertamae Grosvenor on National Public Radio, which for many years was her main forum for cultural commentary. After listening to some of her stories I came to understand that she was from the Lowcountry, and for this I loved her. The basic storyline, in my imagination, was this: Local girl makes good and gives the world its comeuppance. With style.
Who was this infinitely creative, cosmopolitan woman with the soul of a poet and the fortitude of a soldier? In her use of language, she bridged the casual and the ceremonial. She was deadly serious about her writing, her people, her mission on earth – but at the same time she had a sense of play and pageantry that made it seem like the most logical thing in the world that she should perform with Sun Ra and his Arkestra in the professional capacity of Space Goddess.
Simply put, Vertamae embodied both the earthy and the ethereal. She could discuss the frying of pork skins and the streets of Paris’s left bank and the outer periphery of the universe with equal authority.
So over the past few years I’ve often wondered, whatever happened to Vertamae?
Turns out she’s living in Jasper County.
I met some people who, knowing my interest in local food and culture, mentioned that Vertamae was their neighbor and that she was settling in for a while. Would I be interested in meeting her?
OMG. That would be a yes.
So after some telephone tag and the harriedness of the holidays, we finally got together. Before I drove out there, I called and asked her if she needed any groceries from Beaufort, and it turns out she did. So on the way out of town I stopped at the grocery store.
And I tell you what: it was the most thrilling trip to Bi-Lo I have ever made. I was so excited I almost forgot to use my Bi-Lo Bonus Card. I was floating through the aisles thinking thoughts along these lines: Wow! I am grocery shopping for Vertamae Grosvenor! I am holding in my hands a shopping list for things that Vertamae is going to eat! She’s actually going to cook it and put it in her mouth! And maybe, just maybe, she’ll cook something for me!
Because you see, Vertamae’s biggest claim to fame is her cookbooks.
Her first, Vibration Cooking, came out in 1970. The full title was Vibration Cooking, Or the Travel Notes of a Geechee Girl. The book was a big hit, and there have been two subsequent editions.
One might think something like, “Oh, how sweet, a nice little cookbook from down South, spiced up with some humorous anecdotes; let’s try a recipe for collards and see how it turns out.” You wouldn’t expect much more out of it. Because a cookbook can’t have an earthshaking impact, right?
Wrong.
Although at the time it might have seemed to be a perfectly harmless endeavor, it turns out that Vertamae wasn’t messin’ around. What she wrote was more than a cookbook. Her words were interpreted as a call to arms for Black women who had been trapped in a life of domestic service.
Back in the day Black women had a proper place, and that place was serving as cooks and maids to the white families who wanted to maintain a comfortable status quo. All that changed, however, during the Civil Rights movement, and later during the Black Power movement.
It was only then that Black women found their true proper place: serving as cooks and maids to the Black men who wanted more status and less quo.
At least that’s the storyline perpetuated by the various literary critics and critical theorists and theoretical metaphysicists who, over the past forty years, have squabbled with each other over Vertamae’s writings with a maniacal passion.
The critical consensus seems to be that Vibration Cooking smashed the Myth of Black Mammydom to smithereens. It was all right for Black women to cook as long as they were smart and sexy, and as long as they didn’t cross the thin line between heartfelt service to others and utter subjugation.
And also one more thing – white people had better stop pretending that Southern cooking had nothing to do with Africa.
Vertamae went on to work on a wide variety of projects – acting roles in the films Daughters of the Dust and Beloved, creative collaborations with other artists, her NPR work, and a PBS show, America's Family Kitchen With Vertamae Grosvenor.
The latter inspired two more cookbooks: Vertamae Cooks in the Americas' Family Kitchen, and Vertamae Cooks Again: More Recipes from the Americas' Family Kitchen. And despite all that emphasis on America, one of Vertamae’s gifts to us is that she thrust authentic an American cuisine onto the global culinary radar screen.
But now she’s come back full circle. Gracefully aging, her dancer’s limbs still liquid, she is at home in the Lowcountry, and she is finally at liberty to reflect on her busy and remarkable life. Right she is occupied by the monumental task of sorting through the 40 boxes of documents, tapes, CDs and mementos that were shipped to Jasper County from her NPR office.
There have been other challenges. Her Emmy award statue arrived bent, with one of its wings missing – how does one fix something like that? There are priceless audio and video recordings on obsolete media that are in desperate need of transfer -- where to start? There is a long-distance collaboration on a play with the son of a Broadway legend. And most of all, there is the forthcoming re-issue of Vibration Cooking.
Vertamae has to work hard at this because each new edition of the book gets a revised ending, a sort of updated account of what has happened to the people and places in Vertamae’s stories. But for this particular new edition there is a different type of ending: it’s about Vertamae.
Just as Vibration Cooking changed the nature of academic scholarship regarding women, race and food, Vibration Cooking changed the nature of Vertamae’s life. It created a fortuitous chain of circumstances that made her who she is today, and I am delighted that she has chosen to share the story of this journey with the rest of us.
And maybe, when she is ready to take a break, Vertamae can make time to do some guest lectures, or writing workshops, or cooking demonstrations.
I walked my beagle and my mom’s Bichon Frise this afternoon, delighting in the warmth of winter sunshine, and breathing in the clean air washed by the previous night’s rain. Toby, the beagle, pulled me in one direction, while Cokie, the walking white fluff ball, tugged at my left arm in the opposite direction of the stubborn hound. To neighborhood traffic, I must have appeared to be the victim of canine torture, or just another schmuck dog owner with little control over the four-legged species commonly referred to as our “best friends.” When I finally persuaded Toby to move in the same direction as the more obstinate Miss Cokie, I made a mental comparison between the dogs and their owners.
Cokie is white, her coat matching the sugary color of my mom’s hair. She is in her early eighties, my mom in her late seventies. Both have their aches and pains, both like ice cream, and they both have dark eyes inset on chalky faces. Toby is loud and in his fifties, like me. He is bullheaded, like me, and he has been lucky in love, like me. I wonder who starts to resemble whom first. Do the dogs take on our personalities, or do we adjust, assimilating their characteristics? Why am I even having these thoughts?
I am making these observations because I am attempting to slow down and really look at things, let my imagination run, and live in the moment. Already a month ago on New Year’s weekend, I listened to the Sunday morning NPR broadcast of To The Best of Our Knowledge. Whether it was coincidence or providence, the theme of the show was the culture of slowing down, a counter response to our fast-paced lifestyle of cyber communications and drive-thru dining. The show’s topic was timely, and almost surreal, because of my aspirations toward my goal of slowing down.
On the program, Carl Honore, author of In Praise of Slowness, was interviewed. I bought his book on Amazon, and although I am reading it at turtle speed (reading is one activity that could use some speeding up), Honore’s thoughts on patience, especially as it relates to the process of healing, help me understand that some things cannot be rushed, no matter how badly we want them to occur.
The fact is I am receiving some of the things I wished for in this new year. My resolution to slow down was answered by my mother’s twelve-day stay at Beaufort Memorial Hospital in January. My desire to remain in Beaufort and at home for a while, instead of being on the road, a slave to the harried travel schedule I maintained the previous month, was satiated by the aftercare I need to provide for my mom. And yet, I am someone whose neck hairs bristle when someone tells me to be careful what I wish for. Even the counsel that prayers are answered in the best ways, and not necessarily in the exact response I anticipate from my Higher Power, rubs my consciousness like sandpaper against the grain, smoothing my edges and the splinters of my expectations.
And so, I am in the throes of care giving – my mom, her dog, our dog and to a much lesser degree, my husband. Of course, what falls by the wayside is the care of self. There is always a constant tugging – a pull by my parent, a nudge from my husband, and work yanks my attention to the realities of productivity in an effort to earn a living. Taking the time to write these random thoughts are a real gift to me, possibly selfish, but certainly healthy.
The other day, my neighbor made the comment that no one really writes about aging, the truth about it, how it slowly diminishes one’s physical capabilities, and changes the face looking back in the mirror. I was silent. I do not believe that is true, the part about no one writing about the realities of aging. Just this evening, I read a short story by Frederick Buechner, from a book that I received as a birthday gift. In the story entitled Our Last Drive Together, Buechner writes about his mother, her ninety-year-old idiosyncrasies, her frailties, and her eventual passing away. The story reminded me that we all slow down, whether it is by choice or circumstance. People around us confirm the aging process, theirs and ours. We just don’t pay attention. We are not gentle. We lack a degree of compassion for one another’s journey. At twenty, it is difficult to empathize with fifty, and at age fifty, it is a challenge to relate to the eighty year-old.
Until, that is, on bright and sunny afternoons, we take the opportunity to walk behind our dogs, watching their rear-ends sway, stopping to let them sniff the odors surrounding mailbox posts and tree stumps. We may recognize ourselves in our animals because we cannot see ourselves in those we love. We are too busy wondering what we will become, disappointed by who we are, and dwelling on what is lost. But every now and then, we get glimpses of what we prayed for, or wished for, coming true in ways and in people that we could not have imagined. We only truly see ourselves, no matter how old or young we are, when we slow down to look, and how we look at ourselves is really a matter of choice.
My aunt gave me a small wooden plaque this past Christmas with the prayer, “Lord, make me the person my dog thinks I am.” I do not know what Toby thinks, but if I can just be a bit more like my beagle – curious, playful, and unconditional in the way I love – I will successfully meet the demands of this new year, one day at a time, slowly.
A new Beaufort-based website aims to bring the short story back to the forefront of American culture.
Do your remember the first short story that really knocked your socks off? For me, it was ‘The Lottery,’ by Shirley Jackson. I think I was in middle school – maybe 7th grade? – and I still get a shiver up my spine when I recall that mysterious black box (a ‘symbol’, or was it a ‘metaphor’?), and that shocker of an ending that sneaks up on you… despite the author’s masterful use of “character’ and ‘foreshadowing’. Later, I would discover the creepy pleasures of Edgar Allen Poe… the gentle irony of O. Henry… the beautiful freaks of Flannery O’Connor… There was something so elegant – so intensely immediate – about this art form. If a novel was a big, tasty layer cake to be savored over time, the short story was a square of rich, bittersweet chocolate. The perfect literary snack.
But then I stopped eating – er, reading – them. After grad school, my English Major days behind me, I turned in my tattered Norton anthologies and the short story became a thing of my past. According to publishing industry statistics, I was not alone. Over the last few decades, the short story has seen a major decline in popularity.
Enter Beaufort’s Tim Johnston, who has just launched Short Story America, a website that hopes to rescue this neglected literary form, bringing it back into the mainstream of American culture. The former headmaster of Beaufort Academy, a talented short story writer himself, recently talked to me about his new venture.
ME: Tim, when was the ‘golden age’ of the short story… and what’s changed since then?
TJ: The heyday of the short story started in the 19th century with Washington Irving (‘The Legend of Sleepy Hollow’ and ‘Rip Van Winkle’) and ran through the first three quarters of the 20th century. Throughout those generations, short story writers were like rock stars! They were such a prime source of entertainment before the complete dominance of television.”
ME: Okay, but now that we’ve got television, and so many other entertainment forms – not to mention actual rock stars – why bring back the short story? What’s the point?
TJ: Television, computers, and hand-held gadgets have made it very easy to access passive entertainment. But reading stories is active, participative entertainment. Readers are challenged to use their imagination – and their souls – in applying a story to their own situation or their society.
The short story didn’t lose popularity because authors forgot how to write stories that entertain, move and matter. Rather, modern technology, over time, has made it seem like harder work to read a short story than, say, to follow gossip entertainment or trade text messages in shorthand. So the short story has been shoved to the cultural sidewalk while, in the words of a long-time literary editor, a dumbed-down culture of faddism “goose steps down Main Street.” That's quite a scary analogy, but it truly is a threat to our society when people don't engage in meaningful reading from adolescence all the way through old age.
ME: Now you’re speaking my language, Tim. I’ve written extensively in this column about our dumbed-down, faddish culture, the instant gratification generation, and other contemporary bogeymen. In this light, it occurs to me that your project is about more than just reviving a fading art form… it’s about cultural renewal. How do you draw scattered, distracted young people – with miniscule attention spans – away from twittering, text messaging and superficial celebrity gossip, toward more meaningful engagement with the world of ideas? It seems to me that you start “small,” right? You challenge them, but you don’t ask them to bite off more than they can chew. As I mentioned earlier, a good short story is the perfect literary snack (albeit a “nutritious” one).
TJ: Exactly. Edgar Allan Poe described the short story as having a "singular effect" on the reader, one that can be profound and lasting. The best short stories do three things, in my view, and they do them in one sitting: They entertain, move and matter to the thinking individual who reads them and incorporates them into his character, even subconsciously. Good short stories have no waste, no fluff, no filler. I love that. Such can be said very rarely about novels, and I love novels!
ME: And who knows? A kid who starts out reading at Short Story America might like what he sees and be inspired to check out longer literary forms. And shorter forms, too, like poetry.
So how does it “work”? You have twin daughters at home and you have to make a living. What’s your business plan?
TJ: Our plan is that the company's revenue will come from tasteful advertising, the sale of audio short stories, and Kindle downloads. (We plan to help the local economy by producing our audio stories here in the Beaufort area.) Another source of revenue will be institutional memberships. Schools will pay membership dues of just $100 per year, which will enable their faculty to access lesson plans, sample essay questions, etc. at the site Educators section. School memberships will also enable the students at member schools to enter the annual Short Story America national short story writing contests, which will be held at the Middle School, High School, College and Graduate School levels. Each school's champion will move to the national finals, and will be published in our Student Short Story Library for the rest of the world to discover the young emerging talent at our nation's schools. This will be really exciting in every school community.
ME: So then, as a former headmaster, Short Story America is kind of a natural progression for you, career-wise, right?
TJ: This progression feels as natural to me as the connection between teaching and writing. I love the fact that a teacher can simply direct students to go to the website, read an assigned story, write in their journals, and (if the teacher wishes) print the story for use in class discussion, highlighting, margin notes, etc., without having to mark up an expensive book. Short stories are the perfect literature about which to write analytical essays, because students can read them in one sitting, and teachers can move directly into discussion and then on into the nitty-gritty of student writing: the analytical essay. Colleges complain (and rightly so) that today's freshmen are not arriving on campus with the ability to write meaningful, persuasive and mechanically correct analytical essays. Increasing the use of short stories in the classroom is an ideal way of increasing both the frequency of essay-writing and the enjoyment of literature on the part of students. As Aristotle wrote, "We are what we repeatedly do; excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." Every student can become a good writer, if he/she reads every day, and is led to enjoyable, meaningful reading by teachers and parents from early ages forward.
ME: Your former teaching colleague Sarah Turocy is your co-editor at Short Story America. She no longer lives in Beaufort. How did she get involved?
TJ: I've held Sarah in the highest regard ever since hiring her back in 2004 to teach English and be the founding director of the theater program at BA. I guess you could say we're both dreamers and optimists, and as career English teachers, we both embraced the vision of a much-needed addition to our culture: a worldwide publishing project which would aid in returning the short story to mainstream culture as reading entertainment for everyone, and to assist teachers with resources for students as readers, thinkers and writers.
ME: You gained readers from 13 countries and 37 US states in your first week online. You’re drawing lots of comments on your discussion boards – people talking about stories from your “Classics Library” as well as the “Story of the Week,” which is always something new, chosen by the editors from a quickly growing pile of submissions.
I’m still thinking about your haunting story “Friday Afternoon,” which was featured as the first Story of the Week. One reader called it a “short story masterpiece… right up there with ‘The Lottery’ and ‘The Most Dangerous Game.’” Another reader was “completely blown away,” and compared you to her favorite writer, Stephen King. I’m curious about your literary influences, Tim. What are some of your favorite short stories?
TJ: ‘Winter Dreams’ by F. Scott Fitzgerald… ‘Cathedral’ by Raymond Carver… ‘The Short Life of Francis Macomber’ by Ernest Hemmingway… ‘A Good Man is Hard to Find’… by Flannery O’Connor, just to name a few. If you had the space, I could name at least 50 short stories that are absolutely indispensable, and I would still only be scratching the surface of this valuable part of living well by reading well.
ME: Thanks so much, Tim. I know all my readers join me in wishing you great luck in this new endeavor. A good website is hard to find
Become a member of Short Story America by visiting www.shortstoryamerica.com
First of all, the ACE Basin Hospitality Association does not exist. It’s an entity in a little game I call Imaginary Sustainable Tourism Initiatives.
It’s kind of like Fantasy Football. But instead of selecting star players, you get to pick out star purveyors – independent establishments that excel at offering traveler basics like gas, food and lodging.
And of course, restrooms. These cannot be taken for granted. Like water in a desert, public restrooms in a place like the ACE Basin are as necessary as they are scarce.
Likewise, lodging is hard to come by in the ACE Basin. Because the area is so wild, and is for the most part privately owned by people who are hell bent on keeping it that way, there is little likelihood that the ACE Basin Highway will ever see a proliferation of Holiday Inn Expresses, Hilton Gardens or Hampton Innses.
Unless you are fortunate enough to be a guest of one of the plantation owners – or are trespassing – you will never have the experience of waking up deep in the heart of the ACE Basin. This means you’ll have to settle for sleeping on the fringe: Walterboro, Yemassee, Point South, Beaufort, Edisto Island, or Charleston.
To get some idea of what I’m talking about, Google these words: Jacksonboro SC hotel. On the map you’ll find a magic fairy ring of lodging options springing up around the ACE Basin. In the sacred center, however – nothing. Which is as it should be.
The fringe of the ACE Basin has several hotel chain options, but the independent operations on which sustainable tourism initiatives depend are a little harder to find. The independents don’t have the marketing and advertising budgets to power an ACE Basin feeding frenzy, with busloads of tourists elbowing their way through their doors. Nor would they want to. But they do require a steady stream of thoughtful travelers to make their operations work.
So with this in mind, I announce the inaugural members of my fictional ACE Basin Hospitality Association: Richfield Plantation and Sloman House.
Both of these properties are located in Yemassee, which lies off of I-95 at Exit 38. This exit is also known as the Le Creuset Exit because of the presence of an outlet for that fabulous French cast-iron cookware brand. And yes, I know that “the Le” is redundant, but that’s English for you. We take our liberties with other people’s languages and the results are not always pleasant.
Richfield Plantation and Sloman House are, I assure you, quite pleasant. I visited both in December, during the Yemassee Town & Country Holiday Home Tour. They are not hotels, they are houses. So you don’t just show up expecting to crawl into a bed and spend the night and wash your hair with the little shampoos in the morning. When you stay there, you rent the whole place.
And what places they are! Richfield Plantation has five bedrooms, a kitchen with commercial appliance, and all the high-ceilinged glory you’d expect from an old plantation house. Rental includes use of an outdoor pavilion that provides perfect cover for special events beset by inclement weather.
Richfield Plantation is on the outskirts of Yemassee, near the village of McPhersonville.
The house itself was built for John White Gregorie in 1875. His great-grandsons now own it, and it is clear that they treasure the old family home. It’s been skillfully restored and beautifully furnished. There’s enough stuff around to make it feel homey, but not so much that you feel like you’re sleeping in a museum. When kicking back after a day of kayaking on the Combahee River, you don’t want to be walking on eggshells worried about breaking someone’s knick-knacks.
In addition to lodging for a small group, Richfield Plantation is available for weddings, reunions, receptions and other special events. The plantation also offers hunting memberships. Can’t get that at a Super 8.
Sloman House, with two bedrooms, is smaller than Richfield but no less lovely. A railroad signal maintenance worker had the cottage-style house built in 1930, and it has been renovated and decorated with rich fabrics and fascinating relics of early 20th century domesticity. In the kitchen there are strange old gadgets about whose use I cannot even speculate.
In addition to being cozy and adorable, the Sloman House is also a family treasure. Its complicated chain of custody illustrates the interconnectedness of people in the Lowcountry.
It is operated by Paula Flowers, who also owns Fletcher’s Finds Antiques in Yemassee, and here’s how she’s related to the building’s original occupants: Paula Flowers is the wife of Eddie Flowers. Eddie is the son of W.H. Flowers, who was married to a woman named Vera. Vera was the daughter of the second Mrs. Sloman, who was Mattie Grace Mitchell from Beaufort.
Mattie Grace worked at the Greek restaurant in the Greyhound Bus Station in Yemassee (whoever knew that Yemassee ever had a Greek restaurant, never mind a bus station?) where she met Mr. Sloman, who was by that time a widower. This gentleman, Robert Sneed Sloman, Sr., was a freight clerk for the railroad, and he had purchased the house from Ottis Reddish, the signal maintenance guy who first owned it. So it’s been lived in and loved for a long time.
To sum it up, if you have a small family that wants to explore the ACE Basin while sleeping and dining with the comforts of home (minus the Wii), Sloman House would make a killer base camp. For a slightly larger group, Richfield Plantation is the way to go.
As much as I would like for there to be an ACE Basin Hospitality Association (because it could better reify the ACE Basin as a eco-tourism destination) I sure hope it doesn’t happen, because promoting a place like the ACE Basin is a tricky business. Casual, drive-by tourists who are used to all the conveniences start EXPECTING things. Things like fast food, cheap rooms, gas stations and clean toilets.
So the conundrum is, how do you create a peaceful flow of thoughtful travelers – without fostering the out-of-control commercialization that results from mass-market tourism?
Places like Richfield Plantation and Sloman House provide a precious liminality, a betwixt and between lodging experience that allows visitors to explore and appreciate the ACE Basin – from a safe distance.
So I read where a New York woman is suing a bar she was in because a stuffed moose head fell on her. She says she has suffered injuries and lost wages because of the nose-dive ol’ Bullwinkle after happy hour.
Sounds ridiculous, eh? Yet another reason why we need tort reform in this country, right?
Well, maybe, and then again, maybe not.
I’ve always been of the opinion that people are largely responsible for their actions. That includes where they park their carcasses to pound a brewski or two. On the other hand, Bullwinkle weighed more than 150 pounds and had a rack about three feet wide. Add all that with a dose of gravity, and you have a pretty powerful headache.
Call it what you will, but someone needs to be held responsible.
Talk of tort reform is scary to me. I don’t ever want to get on the business end of a lawsuit, frivolous or not, but I also don’t want the powerful to feel free to practice the hideous, Deliverance-type behavior on we the people with far more latitude than they currently enjoy. Whether we like it or not, about the only thing that keeps these greedy clowns from doing whatever they feel like is the very real fear of a visit from a fast-talking character from the offices of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe.
A few years ago, I wrote a column that absolutely infuriated my brother, who I love dearly and respect exponentially. He’s a lawyer, a very capable and impeccably honest one, and his objection was not necessarily my stance on tort reform at the time, but the nature of the information upon which I based my objections.
Like so much of what’s wrong with the world today, it, too, came from the Internet. Email. Something called the Stella Awards, a dubious honor bestowed upon “the most ridiculous lawsuits in America,” named for the woman who sued McDonald’s after she burned herself with a cup of hot coffee.
The problem, he pointed out, is that the cases cited are either blown exponentially out of proportion or simply never happened.
The fact is, there are plenty of unscrupulous, blowhard lawyers out there, classic ambulance chasers looking for a fast buck. They all ought to be castrated and sent to Pakistan wearing, “My Kid can Beat Up your Mullah” T-shirts.
There are also a lot of unscrupulous, blowhard pundits, spin-doctors, and other assorted professional chitlin’ slingers out there inundating the public with all manner of carefully constructed fiction. They all ought to be castrated and sent to Pakistan wearing, “My Kid can Beat Up Your Mullah,” T-shirts.
There are also a lot of idiots in the public repeating all this truthless dreck as Gospel, thus perpetuating the cycle of fear and ignorance. They all ought to be – okay, okay, you get the idea.
Actually, reform starts at home. It’s probably too much to ask the Bar Association to be a little more willing to barbecue those creeps that clog up the system and waste everyone’s time and money, but one can only hope.
It’s probably too much to ask judges to be quicker to censure, suspend, even disbar some of their own rather than politely ask them not to engage in practices that bring them wealth and television commercials, but one can only hope.
It’s probably too much to ask corporations, political parties, special interest groups, and other occasionally necessary evils to put a little fact in their folderol, but one can only hope.
It’s probably too much to ask the public to be a little more discerning, but one can only – okay, okay, you get the idea.
The Bachelor makes a mockery of love, marriage, and human dignity. And it’s pretty fun to watch.
By Margaret Evans
Original sin notwithstanding, children seem to have an innate sense of right and wrong. Take, for instance, my daughter’s reaction when I explained the premise behind the popular TV show “The Bachelor.”
“Ewwww,” she cried, clamping her hands over her ears. “That sounds dreadful! Dreadful and foul!” (Nice vocabulary for an eight-year-old, eh?) I was relieved; that attitude would make it easier to keep her away from the TV and otherwise occupied while I conducted my “research” that night. Having only seen a few snippets of the show over the years – and having noticed several anticipatory posts about it on Facebook – I’d resolved to watch the season premier of “The Bachelor” in its entirety. All two hours’worth. Thought my column could use a little lightening up in the new year, and this seemed like perfect fodder. I had persuaded my husband to join me in my viewing experiment, with a solemn promise that we could flip back and forth to the football game.
At some point, about halfway through the show, Jeff looked at me with glazed eyes and muttered, in a slightly menacing monotone, “Just so you know… I am never. Ever. Watching this again.”
He was preaching to the choir.
Not that I found “The Bachelor” boring. Not hardly. In fact, I found it strangely riveting. In the same way a train wreck is riveting. Or a cock fight. Or a slasher movie. You know that something terribly wrong is happening, and that you really shouldn’t be watching, but you can’t tear yourself away. Well, I couldn’t anyway. As this bizarro fairytale unfurled, I couldn’t bear to miss a single ridiculous, embarrassing moment. I nearly hyperventilated every time Jeff switched channels during commercials. “Who cares about the ball game?” I snapped, grabbing the remote and clutching it to my chest. I simply had to see who got those roses! And who didn’t. It was not my finest hour. (Or two.)
But perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself. Perhaps there are still a few of you out there who – like me, ‘til now – know virtually nothing about this hit show, now in its 14th season. For ye, the pure of heart, let me recap. “The Bachelor” is defined by Wikipedia as a “reality television dating game show.” The cast consists of a star (the bachelor), and an ever-dwindling bunch of co-stars (attractive young women who vie for his affections week after week). If I’m not mistaken, at the end of each episode, a certain number of women receive a single rose from our star. Those who do not receive a rose are out. Kaput. Banished.
The season premiere took place in a fancy-schmanzy Hollywood mansion, which I gather will house the bachelor – a cute, clean-cut flyboy named Jake – throughout the season. As the episode began, we were treated to beefcake images of a rippling, chiseled Jake flying his plane, riding his motorcycle, strolling on the beach, and whatnot. The scenes were punctuated by an earnest voiceover from Jake, who we learned is a Hopeless Romantic, ready to Settle Down, seriously searching for The One. He seems quite certain he will find The One here on “The Bachelor.” With 10 million viewers tuned in.
We then met Jake’s co-stars, 25 lovely young women from across the country, all with their hearts set on becoming Mrs. Jake. And snagging as much camera time as possible. They are models and fitness trainers, dancers and sales reps. There is a school teacher who seems nice. The most appealing woman by far – prettiest, smartest and most interesting – is a pilot, like Jake. (Maddeningly – and inexplicably – she gets almost no face time all night, and is ousted at the end of the first episode.)
After their brief bios, these women pull up to the mansion in limos, and one by one, they shimmy forward in tiny dresses and introduce themselves to Jake, who’s standing there in a suit with a Mr. Nice Guy smile pasted on. Seriously… he “meets cute” with 25 women, one after another, and the smile never wavers. Each woman is given a few seconds to make a dazzling first impression. They make bad jokes. Suggestive comments. One squeezes Jake's triceps and asks, “Are these guns registered?” Another compliments his “rock-hard abs.” Yet another trips on her stilletos and falls into his arms. And still, the bachelor smiles on. One wonders if his jaw is registered.
The rest of the episode is just… creepy. Jake hosts a party there at his Bachelor Pad, during which the 25 women compete shamelessly for “alone time” with the star. One drags him outside to throw a football. Another shows him pictures of her young son, who needs a daddy. Still another dons a wee stewardess uniform to capture his attention. (Get it? Jake’s a pilot!) At the end of what feels like a lifetime – a very long, surreal lifetime – Jake presents roses to his 15 favorites. Their ranks will continue to narrow each week, I’m told, until only The One is left standing. To the ten teary-eyed women cast off in the season opener, Jake offered this gentle consolation: “It’s nothing personal.”
Nothing personal? Well, of course not. How could it be? How can anything as profoundly “personal” as a committed, lifelong relationship – a marriage, for crying out loud – possibly spring from this silly, vapid show? According to my research, in 14 seasons, it hasn’t happened. There have been plenty of proposals, even some engagements, but none has resulted in a wedding. Which is, I suppose, cause for hope. But only a little.
Those who worry that marriage is being “redefined” by recent referendums and court decisions seem to be overlooking a glaring truth: Marriage has already been redefined, and homosexuals had nothing to do with it. If you look at our divorce rate (half of all marriages), together with the growing number of people – especially parents – never bothering to get married, an interesting (and to some, sobering) picture emerges. What was once inarguably the “building block” of civilization – an institution primarily for the raising and nurturing of the next generation, and, secondly, for lifelong caring and companionship – has become something else entirely. We still say “till death do us part,” but what many of us really mean is: “Till boredom, frustration, or somebody more interesting, do us part.”
Are shows like “The Bachelor” actually hastening the demise of marriage – making light of that which ‘should not be entered into lightly’ – or are they merely following along behind that trend, reflections of our confused (and confusing), rapidly changing value system? Bachelor Jake has been blogging about his adventure for People magazine, and his entry below speaks volumes, I think, about our relationship culture today – a motley patchwork of noble expectations, narcissistic desires, worn-out cliches, New Age nostrums, and other crazy contradictions. Apparently, in episode two, one of the bachelorettes was caught cozying up to a show staffer and booted from the series. Jake, sounding genuinely heartbroken, reflects on these events here:
“This is the first time I have been cheated on (to my knowledge) and man, it sucks. I had started to develop feelings for Rozlyn and that’s why I had given her a rose. But what also hurt was the fact that I was friends with the staff member who engaged in the affair. That was hard to swallow. I was so hurt by both of their decisions, but I reminded myself that I still had 14 amazing women there for me, so I composed myself and moved on.”
When you get past the absurdity, there’s something very sad, and a little touching, about this paragraph. Jake was “developing feelings” for Rozelyn? They’d met briefly at a party! On TV! She “cheated” on him? He’s dating 14 other women! He feels betrayed by his “friend,” a staffer on the show? The dude was probably paid to stir up this controversy!
Here’s a guy who clearly fancies himself an old-school Romantic Lead, using traditional language of courtship and love to describe a scenario that might be better told in rhyming slang. To a backbeat. By P. Diddy. On the show, you’ll hear him trot out all the right phrases – how much he “respects women” and appreciates the “sanctity of marriage” – and he really seems to mean them. All the while, he’s flashing his big white teeth and rock-hard abs in a weekly televised meat market.
Is Jake in the throes of an identity crisis? Are we all?
Oh, never mind. This was supposed to be a “light” column. I guess I’m not so good at those. I told a friend I was writing about ‘The Bachelor,’ and he quipped, “I’m sure you’ll find a way to tie it to the general decline of humanity.” I hate being so predictable.
So I make no pronouncements about humanity here. I will simply leave you with this warning: “The Bachelor” is not good for you. If TV shows were food, it would be a super-sized bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos. Nacho Cheese Doritos are disgusting. They’re empty calories. They leave a bad taste in your mouth. You feel guilty after eating them, and sometimes even sick. But they’re yummy, too, in a wicked sort of way, and you could probably scarf a whole bag in one sitting. This is why you just don’t keep them in the house.
Same goes for “The Bachelor.” Just don’t turn it on.